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I’ve been crying silently and trying to gulp down sobs for most of today. My homophobic mom has been staying with me for a few months now and I can’t let her know how affected I am by this. 

I’ve had a lot of moments like this recently, actually, because of all the onscreen fictional f/f deaths, because like I’ve said, I’ve come to terms with being a lesbian, but I’m deeply closeted and will remain so, probably for the rest of my life, and I know it’s just TV but it’s all I had. The attitude behind it is too real. And I’m so sad and resentful that I’ve had to lock this down, that I can’t just tell her why I’m upset, and I’m so angry at her, because it’s not fair, but what can either of us do? A few weeks back I just broke down sobbing in front of her and she was so worried and asking me why, again and again, “if you can’t tell your mother, who can you tell?” and it’s so suffocating and I feel so guilty because what if I’m underestimating her, but the cost of being wrong there is just so high. 

But I’m so full of anger and grief and guilt, that I’m conflating so much of this in my head, that these are real deaths and it’s not right to link them with fiction, that it was done by a Muslim, that again I’m so upset with my mother. But I’m sorry, I’m sorry, this isn’t about me, I’m sorry.

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mswyrr
replied to your post “I’ve been meaning to review some fics for a while now and it got to…”

i’ve found it easier to review more often now that i write rec posts more – it’s easier to explain to Tumblr why a fic is good and then i take what i said and rephrase it for the author and make that my review

Yeah, I try to follow that usually but in the fics I’ve been putting off, I really wanted to go into detail about a lot of specific lines I loved and choices they made. It’s harder to do that than making more general posts praising what you liked and hope others will.

trancer21 replied to your post “I’ve been meaning to review some fics for a while now and it got to…”

DON’T STRESS!! The fanfic world is in DIRE need of more reccers! Heck, just making a post about a fic you liked is enough!

Actually, although I’d meant leaving comments on fics in this post, I have been meaning to borrow from @ghostcat3000‘s cool idea of posting her favorite yuletide recs, except a f/f version. But like…I’ve been planning that since late December, so we can see how that’s going. I didn’t even stick to my No Gifsets Till All Fics are Reviewed rule…I decided to do one gifset per review. 😛 (But I couldn’t not gif Kylie Bunbury’s face, I’m not made of steel.)

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mswyrr
replied to your post “I’ve been meaning to review some fics for a while now and it got to…”

i’ve found it easier to review more often now that i write rec posts more – it’s easier to explain to Tumblr why a fic is good and then i take what i said and rephrase it for the author and make that my review

Yeah, I try to follow that usually but in the fics I’ve been putting off, I really wanted to go into detail about a lot of specific lines I loved and choices they made. It’s harder to do that than making more general posts praising what you liked and hope others will.

trancer21 replied to your post “I’ve been meaning to review some fics for a while now and it got to…”

DON’T STRESS!! The fanfic world is in DIRE need of more reccers! Heck, just making a post about a fic you liked is enough!

Actually, although I’d meant leaving comments on fics in this post, I have been meaning to borrow from @ghostcat3000‘s cool idea of posting her favorite yuletide recs, except a f/f version. But like…I’ve been planning that since late December, so we can see how that’s going. I didn’t even stick to my No Gifsets Till All Fics are Reviewed rule…I decided to do one gifset per review. 😛 (But I couldn’t not gif Kylie Bunbury’s face, I’m not made of steel.)

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I like when fics straight up say DON’T WORRY OTP ENDS UP TOGETHER AND STAYS ALIVE. I wish TV shows would do that sometimes. Why are surprise deaths supposed to be entertaining?

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I like when fics straight up say DON’T WORRY OTP ENDS UP TOGETHER AND STAYS ALIVE. I wish TV shows would do that sometimes. Why are surprise deaths supposed to be entertaining?

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I’m sad. And I didn’t even want to get into it for so long, and I KNEW the problems they’d had with racism and sexism. I don’t know why I let down my guard, I thought they’d learned something and improved, I was just so desperate for something. And now we’re at this point. I’m never watching again, it was a terrible show outside the Clexa and Grounder part and it seems like they’re gearing up for Clarke to be the master benevolent colonialist, at least better than the evil Arkadia colonialists. Whatever.

But…people are so sad. I was into this for like a month. How’s the f/f community going to get past this? When a new show they can’t trust? When? I can go and watch some good happy-ending movies but we have like, what, three? After that, it’s still coming back to this. And this will remain with us for a long, long time.

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I’m sad. And I didn’t even want to get into it for so long, and I KNEW the problems they’d had with racism and sexism. I don’t know why I let down my guard, I thought they’d learned something and improved, I was just so desperate for something. And now we’re at this point. I’m never watching again, it was a terrible show outside the Clexa and Grounder part and it seems like they’re gearing up for Clarke to be the master benevolent colonialist, at least better than the evil Arkadia colonialists. Whatever.

But…people are so sad. I was into this for like a month. How’s the f/f community going to get past this? When a new show they can’t trust? When? I can go and watch some good happy-ending movies but we have like, what, three? After that, it’s still coming back to this. And this will remain with us for a long, long time.